Who Regulates Who?

Today let's explore the topic of regulation—what it is, why it matters for parents, and how you can support both yourself and your children.

Regulation isn’t just something your child struggles with. Parents do too. They affect you, and you affect them. And on the really tough days, it can feel like you’re both bouncing off each other’s emotions, trying to find some kind of balance.

So, what is Regulation?

At its core, regulation is your ability to manage emotions, reactions, and stress levels. It’s what helps you stay calm and grounded—even when things around you feel overwhelming.

There are two key parts to this:

• Self-regulation – when you manage your own emotions.
• Co-regulation – when your child leans on you to help them settle.

And this happens all the time. When your child is upset, they look to you for cues. If you’re calm, it helps them calm down. But if you’re overwhelmed, it can escalate things even more.

Why Does This Matter for You?

Parenting is hard, and you’re not a robot. You get tired. You get overstimulated. You get worn out and run down. And when you’re feeling that way, it’s really hard to be that calming presence for your child. That’s why your own wellbeing matters. When you take care of yourself—when you get enough rest, when you breathe, when you slow down—you’re not just doing it for yourself. You’re doing it for them, too.

How Can You Stay Regulated?

Children—especially those with additional needs—often experience the world in a way that feels overwhelming. Their emotions can be big, their stress responses intense, and their sensory experiences unpredictable. In these moments, they don’t yet have the tools to calm themselves down or make sense of what they’re feeling. So, they instinctively turn to their parents to help them manage it all.

Think of it this way: when a child is dysregulated, whether from frustration, fear, or sensory overload, their nervous system is like a stormy sea. Their heart may race, their breathing may become shallow, and their emotions may spiral out of control. In these moments, they need something steady—someone who can anchor them. That’s where a parent comes in.

By staying calm, offering a reassuring presence, and meeting them with understanding rather than frustration, a parent becomes that anchor. Sometimes, that means using a soft voice and slowing down your own breathing so they can match your rhythm. Other times, it means offering a tight hug, dimming the lights, or helping them find a sensory tool that soothes them.

Even something as simple as saying, “I know this feels really big right now. I’m here with you,” can make a huge difference.

Over time, these moments of co-regulation teach children how to regulate themselves. They begin to recognise that emotions come and go, that they can find ways to calm their bodies, and—most importantly—that they don’t have to navigate their overwhelm alone. This process takes time and patience. Every moment of connection strengthens their ability to manage stress in the long run.

So, if you ever find yourself wondering, “Why does my child need so much from me?”—know that what you’re offering isn’t just a moment of comfort. You’re helping them build the foundation for emotional resilience that will serve them for the rest of their lives.

Wrapping Up

Just like you, your child’s ability to regulate is influenced by both what’s happening around them and what’s going on inside.

External factors like loud noises, crowded spaces, or unexpected changes in routine can make it harder for them to stay calm.

Internal factors—things like being tired, hungry, or already feeling overwhelmed—can also make small challenges feel much bigger.

Because their nervous system is still developing, they often rely on your regulation to help them find their own calm. Taking care of yourself directly supports your child’s ability to manage their own emotions. Taking care of yourself helps create the steady, reassuring presence they need to settle and feel safe.