A Good Enough Parent

Let's explore a concept called reframing to help you move from perfect parenting to a more realistic and balanced mindset - 'A good enough parent'.

What does it mean to be 'good enough'?

Anne Winnicott, along with her husband, developed the idea of being a “good enough parent”. Being a good enough parent is about letting go of perfection and having a realistic, balanced approach to parenting.

At it’s core, the idea is that you need to be present, responsive, and good enough to meet your children’s needs - most of the time. This means making mistakes, being distracted, and sometimes getting frustrated because that’s part of real life. For parents, this way of looking at their family life can help to improve their sense of wellbeing.

Why does it matter?

No one parent can meet every need, prevent every difficulty, or handle everything perfectly. Even professionals who specialise in supporting children with additional needs work as a team; no single person has all the answers or all of the energy. Accepting this isn’t about settling, it’s about being realistic. Instead of stressing about every decision or feeling like you’re not always emotionally available, you start to trust that a warm, loving, but imperfect environment is more than enough.

What your child needs from you is consistency, routine and love. In my experience working in special needs for the past 20 years, children often benefit from experiencing small frustrations and challenges because it helps them build coping skills over time. This is where they learn to regulate themselves. Regulation is a whole other topic that I’ll be talking about in the coming weeks but an example of a small challenge could be encouraging your child to wait.

Depending on their age and understanding this is very possible and can be healthy for both of you. It gives the parent a little bit of space. The child comes to know that you’re there and you will come to them. It’s something you build together. When you let go of impossible standards, you make room for something much more meaningful: a sustainable, loving, and mentally healthy version of yourself.

How can you get started?

So how can you start changing your approach from perfect parenting to realistic and balanced 'good enough' parenting? There are many ways but today I want to talk about reframing. This is a concept I’ve touched on briefly a few episodes back and I want to expand on it here.

If you’re new here, reframing is about learning to focus on solutions rather than always seeing the problems. An example I gave before is to use the ‘yet’ concept.

• Instead of saying, "I can’t do this", say "I can’t do this yet."
• Instead of, "My child isn’t meeting this milestone," say "My child isn’t meeting this milestone yet."

This way of reframing acknowledges the current struggles while shifting the focus to positive possibilities. Reframing is a part of a widely used therapy approach called CBT which stands for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.

Here’s how it works in simple terms. CBT works off the idea that our Thoughts, Feelings, and Actions are connected. So what does that mean for us? It means that the way we think affects how we feel, and that feeling affects what we do. Thoughts, feelings and actions. Let me give you an example of how this might happen for a parent of a child with needs.

If your child is having a bad day, you might automatically think - I’m failing them. In reality, you’re most likely doing your best and there are other factors influencing their behaviour. So that’s the thought - "I’m failing them". The feeling that comes after that could be guilt or shame. This in turn affects your actions where you don’t take any time for yourself, often neglecting your own self-care needs.

Now that we know our thoughts, feelings and actions are connected - what can we do about it? What can we do to interrupt or stop this negative knock-on effect? This is where reframing comes in. The idea is that by tackling the initial thought, the feelings and actions are still affected but in a positive knock-on effect.

Instead of thinking - “I’m failing them” - you might reframe it as - “This is hard, but I’ve faced hard things before and found a way through.”

Now, rather than guilt or shame, the feeling might be more calm and confident. When you feel this way, you are now in a mindset where you can give yourself permission to step back and take some time for yourself. The main benefit of reframing is that it reduces stress and helps you focus on solutions and positive action instead of shutting down.

Wrapping up

When we become aware of our negative thought patterns and learn to challenge them, we create space for a more compassionate, balanced view of ourselves as parents. And that’s where the idea of being a 'good enough' parent truly matters.

It reminds us that perfection isn’t the goal—presence, love, and doing our best within our limits is what truly makes the difference.

By embracing this mindset, we not only support our children, but we also allow ourselves the grace and strength to keep going.